The Stages of Grief

When I first decided I was not happy at church, I thought it was me. I didn't fit in, I didn't understand the point of the rules... But one day I asked myself the question, "What if it isn't me? What if the church is flawed?" I did not even start with the assumption that the church wasn't true. My original thought was that someplace along the way, people took over and corrupted it. I never ever expected to discover that it was flawed from the very beginning.

I remember that moment - the realization that it was all a lie. I felt like someone I loved had died. And then the stages of grief began:

Denial: How can it not be true? This information is all from anti-Mormons. It is all a lie. The authors have an agenda. The Church has to be true. I used to know it was true. How could I have deceived myself? I will read the Mormon responses to these allegations - I'm sure they will clear up my questions...

Anger: The apologist response is bull. The facts aren't even disputed by the apologists! How could my entire inner frame of reference be based on a lie? How could I have believed this my whole life? Why were all these facts kept from me and whitewashed out of the history I was taught to cherish?

Bargaining: I will pray about this. Dear Lord, I want this to be true. I don't want to believe these men I believed in as my leaders have been deceiving me my whole life. Please... Please give me some verification that this is true and I will never doubt again. If you can show me this is true, I swear I will be better - I will follow all the rules.

Depression: It isn't true. I can't believe it isn't true. I nearly didn't marry my husband because of this church. I have given so much money to this church. I have whipped myself with guilt about things I did because the church told me they were wrong. I feel stupid for believing it. I feel hopeless without it. I have lost my faith and I feel empty.

Acceptance: Wait... looking back on my life, my greatest joys and most spiritual experiences have never been tied to "being LDS". It has been nature, family, good food, great art, music that makes my soul soar, the smiles of my children... I've always known God exists. It was never tied to a church or a person. I just need to find a new path.