Letting my children fail

I recently read this post on a friend's blog:

http://toddshammer.wordpress.com/2006/08/07/what-happens-when-a-coddled-child-goes-to-college/

I also read this article as well:
http://health.msn.com/pregnancykids/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100142037&GT1=8404

I've been pondering this.

The other day my three year old daughter was flipping through a book of pictures while waiting for my son to finish gymnastics. An older boy (I'd guesstimate about 6 years old) came over and pulled the book away from her. My first instinct was to jump in. To grab the book back and tell the boy he was rude and talk to his mother. But I stopped myself. I wanted to see what she would do on her own.

She gave this boy the look of death and grabbed the book and dragged it right back to her. "I was reading that." And then she continued to flip through the book and the boy just stared at her. A few minutes later when she was finished, she closed the book and then pushed it back to him. "Now I am done."

What if I had intervened? Would she have learned that she needs to wait for me to take care of it? By me stepping back, she had to figure it out herself - and she did a damn good job.

I let my children fail all the time. If they can't get their shoes buckled, they try again. If they lose a game, we play again. If they get in trouble at daycare, I ask them why and we talk about it - I do not yell at their daycare mom for sending them to time out. If they can't do something, we do it together, so they can learn how to do it themselves.

They know how to speak for themselves. They order their own food at restaurants and if it isn't right, they know how to ask the server to fix it. They pick out their own clothes, even if it doesn't match. I ask their opinions about things - what they want for breakfast, where we should go for dinner, what should we do today?

In my line of work, I deal all the time with kids and their parents. Kids who clearly have a drug problem and parents who are enabling them. Bailing them out of jail, giving them money, helping them out, trying to keep them from getting in trouble. I tell them, sometimes a little harshly - you are not helping your kid. Your child needs to fail. Your child has to suffer the consequences of these choices. Sometimes they listen but usually not. Then a year later, the kid is back, this time it's much worse and there is nothing anyone can do to save the kid now.

I don't want my kids to be wimps. When they go to college, they will know that they are loved, but they aren't perfect and sometimes they will screw up and they will just have to deal with it. They will know how to stand up for themselves but know when to let it go.