To go, or not to go...
I knew this day would come eventually. My nephew is being baptized, and of course, the whole family is invited. Here is what is going through my head right now...
Why I don't want to go -
Because my entire former ward will be there, including the bishop who processed my resignation and all my parents' friends who have known me since I was born and watched me grow up into the perfect Mormon girl (HA) and then watched me go apostate and isn't it such a shame. Because I may actually want to throw up at the thought of another one of my dear nieces and nephews being baptized into what I consider a real mind fucker. Because I remember all those baptisms I went to and how I always really enjoyed them and I am sure I will be very sad that I don't feel that way any more. Because it will just emphasize how painful it was to lose my own faith. Because my children will see this nice ceremony and how their cousin got to go in the river in a cool outfit and get dunked, and what if they ask question and want to know when they get to do it too?
Why I should go
Because it is an important day, to my brother and my nephew. Because I had no problem going to countless non-lds weddings and christenings and confirmations, so why should this be any different. Because my son wants to share his cousin's special day. Because it is family.
I think my biggest fear is that I will get emotional at this baptism, and those around me will interpret that as "The Spirit" touching my heart. I just can't handle the thought of well-meaning folks approaching me and asking questions. Questions I still can't answer completely myself - about how it feels to lose faith and how it affects every single tiny aspect of your self-worth and your life and your family and your world view. And why even though it is the worst thing I've ever gone through, it is SO worth it to be on the other side.
Which leads to the big question:
Is it wrong to hope for a case of food poisoning to strike me and my children so we have a reason no to go?
5 Comments:
I hope you write on here about whether you went or not. I will be facing this exact same dilemma this Dec., when my oldest niece gets baptized.
Man, those expired dairy products are starting to look mighty tasty....
But seriously, I don't envy you your dilemma -- good luck!!!
Food poisoning ~ LOL. I'm guessing that you will end up going because your love and support of your existing family members is what counts, not what others think of you. I can relate to your dilemma of wondering if your kids will want to do baptism too if they see it done.
I'm very fresh in my disillusionment and haven't made the break yet because I'm also concerned for my kids and what will be least painful for them. My son is 13 and my daughter is 8 (already baptized). My non-member husband is very supportive of whatever I choose. It's tough. Good luck!
Well, you could show up wearing nothing but temple garments to show them you haven't really lost faith.
Er... never mind me.
Being an Exmo sucks. No one can understand the pain and anguish of leaving the church unless they go through it. Seeing a child immersed in mormonism as they are baptized brings a huge mental conflict. My TBM wife will never understand how I feel. My daughter is almost 7 and this same thought and conflict about her being baptized in a year causes a lot of pain.
Post a Comment
<< Home