Time for Weaning

My daughter will be two next month. If you had asked me 10 years ago about breastfeeding, I would have told you "Um, NO - go away, hippie." But I grew to be a bit of an earth mother and when my son was born, I wanted to try. He was a champion nurser - he had such a great latch naturally that my midwives brought other new moms in to my room to watch him nurse. They would proclaim "THAT is what a baby should look like when nursing."

My son loved to nurse. He refused to drink from a bottle. I figured it would be a challenge to wean him. But I was very wrong. My son weaned himself, gradually and without fuss. I got pregnant with my daughter when he was about 20 months old, and within a few weeks he no longer wanted mommy milk. That was fine with me - I was pregnant and tired and ready for that part of our relationship to end.

When my daughter was born, she had a tougher time getting it right. Her latch was never great, but I kept trying. I can say with a twinge of pride that my daughter never even tasted formula. She had mommy milk, either straight from the source or expressed just for her. But she was never as rigid as my son - she would take a bottle, a cup, whatever. She started eating table food early and was never picky. I figured she'd wean as easy as my soon.

SO, here we are. She will be two next month and she shows no signs of stopping. But I am ready and it is time. I have been either pregnant or nursing without a break for 5 years as of yesterday. I would like my body back, thank you very much. And she is just not ready to let it go.

Anyway, this process has made me ponder on the concept of "milk before meat". This is the excuse that we used as LDS missionaries as to why we kept more complex (and possibly disturbing) doctrines from potential and new converts. I have decided that metaphor just does not apply.

Babies drink milk because they can't digest meat. The milk my daughter received came from me - from the food and water I brought into my body. It was created by an amazing process within my body to ensure that she got every nutrient she needed to grow and develop. As she grew, the content of my milk physically changed to accomodate her needs. When she went through a growth spurt, I would produce more to keep up with her.

As she grew older, and showed interest in table food, I encouraged her to sample. To try a bit of everything, to see what she liked. I would give her a taste of what I was eating, cut into small pieces. Gradually, her meals became more meat and less milk.

Now she is ready to wean. She doesn't need my milk any longer. The only reason she nurses now is for comfort. It is peaceful to her and provides a connection with mommy after a long day or when she first wakes up in the morning. But she is ready now to start detaching from mommy and discovery the world by herself.

But in the church context, "milk before meat" never happens. The church does not encourage new members, or even life-long members to wean. The milk we receive is not complete. It is not designed to help us develop. The milk we get never changes. It does not grow with us as we learn more.

When we want meat, we are discouraged from sampling, from tasting, from venturing too far away from the milk the leaders provide for us. We are encouraged to stay close, to rely on what we get directly from them. Since we learn to like the feeling of comfort from being given easy to digest milk, we never learn to become independent and venture out on our own. We say "milk before meat", but in reality the meat is never offered - it is hidden away in the history we refuse to teach and the doctrines we refuse to acknowledge.

I remember crying just a little bit on the morning I nursed my son for the last time. As anxious as I am to wean my daughter, I know I will be sad to see that part of our relationship end. She will never be my little baby again. But I know she needs to grow, and I know weaning is a part of the process she must undergo to find her own way.

And I know that I am in the process of weaning too... I am learning how to find my own spiritual nourishment without having to rely on what someone else has given me.