Unquiet Post-Mormon Dreams on Zoloft

One of the quirky side effects of Zoloft is that it makes my dreams extremely vivid, complex, long and very often lucid. (I told my husband that usually when I have a lucid dream, as soon as I realize I am dreaming, I think "Hey! I am dreaming. I can have sex with ANYONE I want to and it's okay, because this is a dream and it isn't cheating!" But that's for a different post entirely.)

The other night I had a series of very intense post-Mormon dreams. I do not know what triggered them, but I woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed because of them.

Dream #1 - I was cleaning out some boxes and came across a videotape. I couldn't remember what was on it, so I decided to watch it. It was a video I had made while I was a student at BYU. In my dream, I was very proud of this movie I had made. I had won awards for it and as I watched it, I was reminded at how great of a movie it was.

And then I became very very angry, because I realized I never ever wanted to show it to anyone again. Especially my children. Because it had BYU all over it - the tape, the location, the plot, the characters, my wardrobe... And then I was sad, because I really had been so proud of what I did, and now it was all horribly marred.

Dream #2 - I was back at BYU, but for some reason my car was broken. I was waiting for the bus. The bus was late, late, late... And then I knew I was going to be late for class. Finally the bus showed up, and I arrived on campus. Except I couldn't remember my classes, my schedule, my teachers - I didn't have my books, or homework, and just kept looking around trying to figure out why I was there and why I felt so completely unprepared.

Dream #3 - I was on a vacation with my family. I was so tired from all the travel, so I fell asleep. When I woke up, I realized I was in the water, floating on a life preserver. The whole family was swimming towards an island. The boat had sank out from underneath me while I was sleeping. We arrived on the island and I looked around and realized I was in Japan, where I served my mission. My Japanese came back to me and I could speak and understand enough to find my way around.

We found our way to a beautiful Japanese garden, and I was enjoying the bridge, flowers, waterfalls... I was feeling very serene. Suddenly my peaceful reflection was broken by the distinct sound of several Utah accents chittering behind me. A tour group of Mormons was approaching. And I was suddenly very angry that this beautiful place was overrun with them.

The overall tenor of these dreams is very obvious to me. As I try to move away from Mormonism, I realize that it is still all over my life. 32 years of history are all twisted up in it. My entire past was filtered through the Mormon lens. My whole family is still Mormon. I will never entirely escape it. And though I try very hard not to let that make me angry or anxious, in my dreams those emotions just cannot be contained.