Changing priorities
Wow, I meant to update this blog at least twice a week but I've been a bit of a slacker lately. Sorry 'bout that! The recent succesful weaning of the milk guzzling beastie along with the shedding of pointless guilt has led to a resurgence in my sex drive, and most of my time in the evenings has been spent loving my darling husband. No complaints from him, but the blog has suffered.
I have been pondering my marriage a lot lately... I was always raised with the belief that God and Church were #1, then spouse, then kids. Now that Church is gone and God is being re-examined, Hubby was moved to #1 spot. I think this has been good for our marriage - I can say I have never been happier with him than I am right now.
On the other hand, this leads me to some scary places - I feel much more vulnerable. Before I had a lot of beliefs to fall back on - we were meant to be together; God keeps us together; if something happened, I'd still have the Church. Etc, etc. Those beliefs are gone.
I see that we are not "Soul Mates". We were not "predestined" to be together. He is not the only person in the whole entire world who could make me happy. I am not the only woman in the whole entire world he could ever love. We are married because we met and we fell in love and we made a choice - we made a choice to be together and work together and have a family.
We are still married because we continue to make that choice every day - to love each other and help each other and remain faithful.
But losing the belief that I am THE person has at times made me scared - it is up to us to keep our marriage together. There isn't anyone else, including God, who can do it for us. I can't just pray for him to love me and for me to love him. I have continue to strive to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother.
Just as we continue to choose to stay together, I have to acknowledge that there is nothing stopping him from one day choosing to leave. I have to rely on and trust in his fidelity and my faith in what we've built together over the years. It is scary and new and has made me confront some of the darkest places within myself. I broke down in tears the other night and apologized over and over for being such a shit to him over the years. I treated him badly because of what the Church taught me, and he did not deserve it. We are rebuilding now and relearning each other.
And did I mention the sex is better too? That fact alone might just have made this whole process worth it...
4 Comments:
Before I was a Mormon, one of the things I always thought with guys was that if you aren't married, and he starts complaining about something (the cleanliness of my place, my hair, my lack of attention to his needs, etc.) that an acceptable response was "You don't like it? There's the door."
That's not really a good choice for a married person. I think that's good.
True, freedom is burdensome. But also so much more fulfilling. Having chosen one another is a wonderful concept as well.
Hey LM. I know it can be scary, but what you wrot sounded pretty damn healthy to me. If Ex is on the same page and willing to put the effort into it, you will be ahead of most couples. Happy sex to the both of you.
Just curious how the church taught you to treat your husband like crap. That's not anything I've ever "learned."
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