It's back
It's like a mist that sorta slowly filters in. At first the world just looks not-quite-so-clear but then gradually it obscures everything. Then it's just dark.
I realized today that I spent an entire really fun holiday weekend with my family doing things I love... and I didn't smile. Not once. Erik kept asking what was wrong and all I could do was shrug.
Because nothing is wrong. Except I constantly am on the verge of tears. I feel trapped in my life. I spent all day thinking of ways to escape my job, my marriage, my family. There's a constant loop running in my head telling me everyone I know would be better off without me.
I should have seen it coming. The insomnia. The increasing unwillingness to endure social situations - a missed luncheon here, a last minute cancelled coffee with a friend there. The growing pile of laundy I just couldn't bring myself to put away.
Erik finally had enough of it tonight and told me it's time to stop pretending it's just going to pass. I'm starting back on the Zoloft. I have enough from my last refill to start phasing back on it. I'll call tomorrow for a new prescription.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
8 Comments:
I'm sorry to hear that you're miserable.
I don't feel that going on medication is weak. I know there are a lot of people who may feel that way. I think medication for depression is sometimes the same as medication for high blood pressure or asthma. Some of us need it to function.
With that said, I think each individual situation may need to be handled differently. Some people just need the meds. Others may need some form of talk or group therapy as well.
This is a difficult time of year for many people. It's darker. The holidays can be incredibly stressful and bring up all sorts of emotions. My thoughts are with you...
:::coming out of lurking::: I have been reading your blog for a while now and I am a huge fan. I want to tell you that I had a very similar experience on Thanksgiving and I can totally relate. I hope the Zoloft helps you. There is no shame in it.
aerin - you are so right about the meds stuff. My son has asthma and I have to add or take away medication as his symptoms ebb and flow. I needed that reminder.
mother may i - thanks for delurking. I snuck a peek at your blog and we seem to have a lot in common!
A: I'll echo Aerin and MMI and add to that this: you're not broken. It probably feels like it right now, but you're not. If the Zoloft helps, take it. That's what it's there for. Doesn't make you a bad person.
Hang in there. The holidays are always rough. Couple that with what you're dealing with at work and anyone would feel overwhelmed.
We're thinking of you and cheering you on from D.C.!
As one who recently(in the last year) started to use cymbalta due to stress, I understand that 'bad; internal feeling that a person should be able to live without them.
{{{{{Amy}}}}}. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It's wonderful you have a DH who can recognize it now and help you get help. Know that you are loved, Amy, and that you are awesome!
Hey Amy. I hear you, loud and clear. I'm in the middle of weaning myself off of my meds (celexa) but it's mostly due to the fact that I'm working class poor and can't afford to pay full price for them (thank you, new insurance plan!!).
There's nothing shameful about taking them. I think it's awesome that you and Erik can recognize what's going on and do something about it.
Chemical imbalances suck, for sure. I'm wishing you well!
Christy
That sucks. I've been there and the funny thing is that it often doesn't correlate with a tough stretch of life, it just comes. And it sinks in gradually until one day you wake up and realize that you feel like shit. And you think you deserve it.
The only good thing is that it's usually cyclical. So you'll undoubtedly overcome this. I noticed you were feeling a little better in your most recent post. I hope this trend continues. :)
Good luck.
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