Why I Love My Husband

Indulge me for a post, I'm feeling a little mushy. Erik was gone all weekend camping. He didn't have cellphone reception out there in the woods of western Virginia (not West Virginia) so I didn't talk to him for two days. And I missed him. I really did.

Leaving the LDS church caused me to re-evaluate my marriage in many ways. I have blogged about it before. Today I am reflecting on where we are now. Our child bearing days are over, and we are into the school-age child rearing era of married life. I see Erik with our kids and realize what a great father he is.

He painted Lisey's finger and toenails the other day. That is awesome father-ness right there. He took Marc camping with him on his guy's weekend away, and then on the way home let him stop at the cheesy Dinoland USA - just because he knew Marc would love it. And then he got home and took Lisey out to dinner just the two of them because he missed her.

I am in a position at my job to see really really shitty parents, both moms and dads. I am so used to being around Erik that sometimes I have to take a step back and say, Wow! He is awesome and I am really quite lucky to have him with me.

Then in addition to being a great dad, he is also a great husband to me. During this process of leaving the church, he has been nothing but supportive - holding me when I cried, listening to me vent, even telling MY parents because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Above and beyond, my friends. I am so thankful to have him on this journey with me. I could never do it alone.

Tonight I am battling a nasty cold, and so he offered to bring me back dinner - it's the little things like that. He'll bring me coffee too, because he is awesome. I don't think he has any idea how much I smile when he sends me little dirty text messages during the day. We are coming up on our 8th wedding anniversary, and we have been together now for 12 years. And my heart still skips a beat to know that he likes me.

I look back at when we got married and we were so young. Erik was only 21. If my kids got married at 21 I'd tell them they were crazy. That is what his parents told him. Maybe they were right. We're just two imperfect people who are doing the best we can, and so far we are doing just fine.

There is that moment when I lay in the crook of Erik's shoulder and rest my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat and I am peaceful... That moment still happens and that is why I love him.

What hath Lisey wrought?

Oh my. My husband is out of town, so I let little Lisey (the 3 year old) sleep in my bed last night. I tucked her in about 9:30 and went downstairs to catch up on my DVR'd Dawson's Creek re-runs (it's my thing, i love it, let it go). Anyway, I went back upstairs around midnight and she was still WIDE awake, having entertained herself by wreaking the following havoc in my bedroom:

• one box Kleenex, completely emptied and shredded and strewn like confetti all over room
• one set of mini-post it notes, stuck all over entire room
• one full box of extra buttons (approx 100), dumped behind bed between headboard and wall
• 12 stuffed monsters inside pillow case
• all necklaces entwined in giant necklace-y mass of knots on bed
• one glowstick broken and leaking on very expensive egyptian cotton 300 count sheets
• Lush chocolate whipstick lip balm smeared all over Lisey and apparently kissed on mirror
• one vibrator on bed, vibrating (mommy, what's this? I found it in your drawer)
• one very traumatized cat (not sure what happened there - hiding under bed not talking)

Unquiet Post-Mormon Dreams on Zoloft

One of the quirky side effects of Zoloft is that it makes my dreams extremely vivid, complex, long and very often lucid. (I told my husband that usually when I have a lucid dream, as soon as I realize I am dreaming, I think "Hey! I am dreaming. I can have sex with ANYONE I want to and it's okay, because this is a dream and it isn't cheating!" But that's for a different post entirely.)

The other night I had a series of very intense post-Mormon dreams. I do not know what triggered them, but I woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed because of them.

Dream #1 - I was cleaning out some boxes and came across a videotape. I couldn't remember what was on it, so I decided to watch it. It was a video I had made while I was a student at BYU. In my dream, I was very proud of this movie I had made. I had won awards for it and as I watched it, I was reminded at how great of a movie it was.

And then I became very very angry, because I realized I never ever wanted to show it to anyone again. Especially my children. Because it had BYU all over it - the tape, the location, the plot, the characters, my wardrobe... And then I was sad, because I really had been so proud of what I did, and now it was all horribly marred.

Dream #2 - I was back at BYU, but for some reason my car was broken. I was waiting for the bus. The bus was late, late, late... And then I knew I was going to be late for class. Finally the bus showed up, and I arrived on campus. Except I couldn't remember my classes, my schedule, my teachers - I didn't have my books, or homework, and just kept looking around trying to figure out why I was there and why I felt so completely unprepared.

Dream #3 - I was on a vacation with my family. I was so tired from all the travel, so I fell asleep. When I woke up, I realized I was in the water, floating on a life preserver. The whole family was swimming towards an island. The boat had sank out from underneath me while I was sleeping. We arrived on the island and I looked around and realized I was in Japan, where I served my mission. My Japanese came back to me and I could speak and understand enough to find my way around.

We found our way to a beautiful Japanese garden, and I was enjoying the bridge, flowers, waterfalls... I was feeling very serene. Suddenly my peaceful reflection was broken by the distinct sound of several Utah accents chittering behind me. A tour group of Mormons was approaching. And I was suddenly very angry that this beautiful place was overrun with them.

The overall tenor of these dreams is very obvious to me. As I try to move away from Mormonism, I realize that it is still all over my life. 32 years of history are all twisted up in it. My entire past was filtered through the Mormon lens. My whole family is still Mormon. I will never entirely escape it. And though I try very hard not to let that make me angry or anxious, in my dreams those emotions just cannot be contained.

This and That

So it's been a few weeks since I updated, so I'll fill in some blanks.

-- I got the results of my MRI back. I have a deformed radial head, the result of an old fracture. There is basically a divot in the middle of the bone, which allows fluid to build up. This makes my elbow hurt and creates incredibly loud POPs when I extend it. Really nothing that can be done at this point. NSAIDs make me sick to my stomach so they are out. Surgery isn't an option so early. So it's pretty much suck-it-up-and-deal for now.

-- My five-year-old started kindergarten. The report back from his teacher was that he is a bright, inquisitive, outgoing, wonderful and incredibly funny kid. *proud mama here*

-- The BIG SNIP is done. My husband did better than either he or I expected. The incision is teeny weeny tiny. He camped out in the recliner for three days with frozen peas and a jock strap, with me bringing him his favorite snacks and the occasional happy pain killer. He was back at work on day 4. The worst part is there is no sex for TWO WEEKS!! He'll go back in 8 weeks to make sure he's all clear.

-- My three-year-old starts nursery school this week. She started gymnastics on Monday night. I always think of her as my baby, and taking a step back and really looking at her - well, she is not a baby any more. Not even a little bit. She has turned into a beautiful little girl. This weekend my husband and son are going camping so I asked her what she wants to do on our "girl's weekend." She wants to play little ponies, watch Baby Bratz, go to Don Pablo's for dinner and get coffee at Starbucks. This itinerary really really cracks me up.