Feeling Better

Thanks to everyone for supportive comments this week. It really helped me get through some rough moments.

I am feeling better today. Erik is out of town until Saturday night but I took both kids by myself to his dad's house for dinner and cake (for Erik's bro's birthday). I really had to make myself go, but I'm glad I went. I got to hold my new niece for awhile and she's SO beautiful.

Then I swear to GOD this video the birthday boy showed us made me laugh so hard I was on the floor crying:

Another Sleepless Night

Today was not a good day. I am feeling drained and after reading the kids their new Christmas books, I just sorta stayed on the floor of the living room curled up staring at the fireplace. Marc is such a sweetie - he asked what was wrong and I told him I was just feeling a little bit sick. He got his pillow and blanket and came out and curled up next to me on the floor.

I just went ahead and got ready for bed and was asleep by ten. Marc had a nightmare around midnight and woke me up moaning and fussing. I brought him in to snuggle up with me but he had a hard time settling back down and by the time he was finally back asleep, I was wide awake. And now I can't get back to sleep.

I am still feeling stressed at work. I have been involved for several years in a highly contested case and it became highly contested again this week. I allowed myself today to not return any phone calls about it but tomorrow I know I have to jump back in and it will be most unpleasant.

Tomorrow I am meeting with one of the partners to discuss a new direction for me at the office. I am hoping if it works out I will be able to start phasing out the litigation portion of my practice. It's a simple matter of economics - if I can bring in money handling this new venture I can justify turning away other types of cases.

I am taking it day by day right now. My main focus is keeping myself together for my kids, and it is just requiring way way more energy than it should. I am getting through work by making very detailed lists and then just checking things off one at a time, forcing myself to keep going.

Really, the person getting the brunt of it is Erik and I don't know what to do about that other than just beg for his patience. He offered to come with me to my doctor's appointment next week and that meant a lot to me. Between trying to keep it together in front of the kids and trying to squeak by at work, I just don't have anything left for him right now. And that makes me unspeakably sad.

It's back

It's like a mist that sorta slowly filters in. At first the world just looks not-quite-so-clear but then gradually it obscures everything. Then it's just dark.

I realized today that I spent an entire really fun holiday weekend with my family doing things I love... and I didn't smile. Not once. Erik kept asking what was wrong and all I could do was shrug.

Because nothing is wrong. Except I constantly am on the verge of tears. I feel trapped in my life. I spent all day thinking of ways to escape my job, my marriage, my family. There's a constant loop running in my head telling me everyone I know would be better off without me.

I should have seen it coming. The insomnia. The increasing unwillingness to endure social situations - a missed luncheon here, a last minute cancelled coffee with a friend there. The growing pile of laundy I just couldn't bring myself to put away.

Erik finally had enough of it tonight and told me it's time to stop pretending it's just going to pass. I'm starting back on the Zoloft. I have enough from my last refill to start phasing back on it. I'll call tomorrow for a new prescription.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

Impending Holidays

As an update to my last post, I was officially fired today - by the client's wife. This was after I left 3 phone messages and sent a letter to her husband (which he never responded to). I finally sent an email to his wife in desparation to find out what the heck was going on with him.

It became clear to me as we spoke that the problem is not me at all. For example, she bitched at me today that her husband has not received any messages or letters from me in response to her message. Well, that's very interesting... Because I've been trying like crazy to get a hold of him.

Suddenly I realized the problem is that my client DOES NOT TALK TO HIS WIFE and rather than accept that her husband is not telling her important details she chooses to assume I am not doing my job. I am still annoyed but not enough to lose sleep any longer.

So, we are leaving tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving in Virginia Beach with my family. I learned today that there is wi-fi so I will be taking my laptop and can hopefully update my blog from there.

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Insomnia

I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight so I thought maybe getting up to blog will help me barf some of this stuff out and I will feel better.

I went shopping over the weekend to buy new skirts for work. My old skirts were literally falling off so to avoid a major wardrobe malfunction I had to get something that fit. Today I wore a size 4 to work. And all day I kept looking in the mirror convinced that it MUST be too small, but it wasn't. It actually really fits.

I have learned as a rule that people won't really notice weight loss until you start wearing a new size. And today I noticed a great disparity in reactions of men vs. women to what I was wearing. Men made nice comments (such as "wow, you look great") and women made catty comments (such as "soon you'll probably just disappear" and "my god, are you starving yourself or something?").

These reactions really bother me. I am angry that after working so hard all these months to get in shape that I still feel self-conscious because other women are still judging me. I am angry that I even care.

I also found out today that I am probably getting fired by a client. You'd think this wouldn't bother me because really it happens all the time. I always tell people that it is important to have a good fit between lawyer and client. Sometimes personalities and styles just don't mesh. I don't usually get offended when someone decides to get another lawyer - sometimes I am the one who suggests it.

I don't know why exactly this one is bothering me, but it's on mind tonight. I think it's because I didn't see this one coming. I know the client didn't agree with my assessment of the case, but I respected his decision on how to proceed and felt we were making progress in that direction. To receive a very terse message, not even from him but from his wife, that he was picking up his file tomorrow afternoon just felt bad. It felt lousy and I'm upset by it.

Last night I learned that Lisey is a tactile learner. Marc is kinesthetic and so is Erik. I am visual. I left this meeting with the realization that 90% of my frustrations with my children and my husband are a direct result of the fact that I never stopped to consider they don't perceive and process the world like I do.

I think my migraines might be getting worse. Lately when I get them I not only have the headache but I also get horrible vertigo. I have fallen over a few times because the room seems to turn and I can't keep my balance. And then my brain seems to short circuit for several days even after the pain is gone. I have a hard time coming up with names or words and feel distracted and scattered.

I am really looking forward to Friday. It is an early dismissal day for elementary schools, which means I have an excuse to leave work at lunchtime and spend the afternoon with Marc. He will watch TV or play video games while I get a glorious nap. Then we will get pizza for dinner. Erik has poker night so I will put the kids to bed early and then get the TV all to myself to catch up on The Hills and America's Next Top Model.

It really is way past bedtime. This was therapeutic but oh my, I will be tired tomorrow morning.

Quirks

Erik tagged me to list 7 random things about me. I've already done this before a few times so I told him he had to help me think of new quirky things to share. This is what we came up with:

1. I like a lot of ice in my drink. When Erik gets me a drink, I tell him to put how many ice cubes he thinks I'd want then add three.

2. I have the directional awareness of a homing pigeon. You take me someplace, I can find my way back. If I've been there once, I can get there again.

3. I hate pickles. All of them. In any form. Dill, sweet, kosher, whatever. Gross gross gross.

4. I have a different wreath for my front door for every month of the year.

5. I love guinea pigs. Before I had children, I kept pet guinea pigs. I had all sorts of pig accessories too - a pigloo and a cavy cozy. And once I even made Erik come with me to a pignic where all my guinea pig friends got together with their guinea pigs for a big party. When my guinea pigs died, I made Erik bury them in our local state park.

6. My closet is completely organized by color. It's like a rainbow in there.

7. Erik finds it quirky that I have twenty different bottles of shampoo and soap in the shower, but I think this is totally normal girl behavior. They are all different smells - somedays I want fruity, maybe musky, maybe floral, maybe spicy. Doesn't everyone have different shampoos and soaps for different moods?!?

American Education Week

I went to a continuing education conference today. It ended early afternoon, which left me with some free time. Since it's American Education Week, I figured I'd stop by Marc's school to spend some time watching him.

I got there just in time for SSR (for those who don't remember, that's Silent Sustained Reading) and Marc & I were able to sit on the carpet in the corner and read to each other. After that, it was Math. They had to figure out how to make 42 cents out of 6 coins and I am ashamed to say about half the 1st graders had that solved before me. (And there are two correct answers!)

I didn't realize how far Marc has pulled ahead in math. While the rest of his class worked on some basic addition, Marc was learning how to add 3 three-digit numbers. Like, 203 + 357 + 859. That sort of thing.

This was something new for him, so I sat with him and showed him how to carry. We did the first few together, but then he wanted to try by himself. He did a pretty good job, though sometimes forgot to actually add the number he carried. I supposed since he's only 6, it's a skill he has plenty of time to acquire. I even tried to trick him by giving him a problem that would require him to carry a 2 instead of a 1, but that wasn't tricky to him at all.

Seriously, he's kind of starting to scare me a little bit...

Wedding Pictures!

Last night was my best friend's wedding. Everything went well - the only crisis was that the bride's shoes got lost. We ended up having to substitute another pair (brown) with the assurance to her that nobody would notice her shoes. Nobody did. She looked beautiful and the wedding was lovely. I splurged and had my hair done professionally. Here's some pics!!

Here's Lisey and I getting ready.

Here's a picture of the dress!!

Lisey was quite a hit at the reception, as she grabbed the mike, hopped up on a chair and sang DonCha by the Pussycat Dolls. Lisey was the life of the party. She lasted through the whole reception (past 11:00).

Marc was less excited. He was jealous he wasn't part of the wedding party so he played his PSP most the night. When the battery died, he was done and my parents took him home.

I will have to post pics of Erik when I get some. We didn't have any on our camera. He was quite handsome in his tux.

A Double Milestone!

Last night Marc lost another tooth. He's now missing both bottom front teeth.

The tooth fairy brought him a gold dollar, a silver dollar plus a bonus half dollar for losing two in one day.

And his bottom molars just broke through.

I can't keep up with how fast he's growing!!

Another Milestone

Marc lost his first tooth today. It came out at school this morning. I got a picture message on my phone - big smile with a gap in the front. I remember the day he cut that tooth - we were visiting my sister in Atlanta, standing in line at a Krispy Kreme when I first noticed it.

Forgive me, I'm getting a little choked up and I need a moment here...

Parent-Teacher Conference Day

It's that time of year again!! Marc's teacher believes it is important to involve the kids, so it was actually a parent/teacher/child conference. Marc got to show off some of his favorite work, and we talked about what he likes and what he doesn't. He's reading at a 3rd grade level and his teacher has noticed he has a definite flair for math.

I also brought a mocha from Starbucks with me to the conference. One of the other teachers asked, "Is that a bribe?" And I said, "Damn right it's a bribe." It totally worked too - Marc's teacher gave me a big hug and told Marc, "Do you know that I love your mother?" The funny thing is that of ALL the kids, Marc is the last one who'd need a bribe for the teacher.

In other fun news for the day, my Victoria's Secret shipment arrived and with it my festive undies for the upcoming holiday season. Lisey brought the package in and opened it for me. She was so excited about this holiday underwear she felt the need to tell the entire restaurant tonight at dinner... "Guess what mom got today in the mail? SPARKLY CANDY CANE BRA AND UNDERWEAR!!"